Buffy Anne Summers (angelbuffy) wrote in not_fadeaway,
Buffy Anne Summers

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Natural Born.

We thought everything was going to be alright, but it wasn't. It was like a hell that was worse than hell, or at least it seemed to be. Angel and I had the most perfect time together, and I couldn't put together the reasoning behind why something so perfect could turn out to be such a disaster. What made me a worse person was that I think if given the chance, I would do it again. In a heartbeat. Angel, after he was cured again though...I didn't know if he'd still have those feelings, and God, I couldn't believe that I was thinking this again. Not the best timing in the world.

Things weren't supposed to be this way. Not at all, they were supposed to be perfect, and even though the Angelus part was inevitable, it was supposed to be controlled and a secret. It wasn't supposed to involve Faith, and Riley. Especially not Lindsey, whoever he was. They weren't supposed to carry this burden, it was Angel and I, and I'd disclose it to Willow, because she was the only one I knew that carried the power and ability to re ensoul him. Other than Wes, and Giles of course. If Giles were to find out about this, I didn't think it'd be possible that things would get worse. I didn't want to hear it from him. I didn't want to stand there and listen to him tell me what I already knew. More like, yell and scream.

So I got that this was wrong, I knew that it was wrong to begin with. I knew that the chances we took was greater than most chances that people take in their lifetime...but as much as I knew that it was wrong, I loved doing it. Angel and I deserved this, and since I was in highschool I had changed, and most, right now would probably say that it wasn't for the better. There was a big difference from the last time Angel and I had made love. For one, we both knew what was going to happen, but more importantly, this meant so much more. It was a symbolization that we were willing to move mountains for love rather than run away from it. And no matter how much we knew that this was wrong, and no matter how much anger we would receive, not to mention guilt, no one had the ability to take that away from us.

My thoughts were all over the place. I wasn’t exactly crying anymore, it was more like shock to me. I didn’t know what I was going to do, besides just stand over Angel making sure that he didn’t get up. I couldn’t feel the pain anymore from the fight that we all had just had, even though it was horrible. I should have been able to take him down in minutes. Instead, I was pretty much thrown around. Thank God Faith was there to help. But then again, if it weren’t for them bringing in Lindsey, none of it would have happened, and it was possible that Angel would have his soul back by now. God, listen to me. I was blaming them. It wasn’t at all their faults.

I needed to get a hold of Willow, but my mind was telling me that I shouldn’t take my eyes off of Angel. It was telling me to stare at him, ice glare, and the slightest movement he made to knock him out again. It was telling me that I was stupid for even thinking that we could get away with happiness. This room was silent, and it was killing me. Silence enabled me to think clearly, and that was definitely not what I wanted to do, because I wasn’t liking what my mind was telling me. I had to plan.

One thing wasn’t different that I noticed from the last time that I saw Angelus. It was the fact that my first instinct was to run to Angel right now, even if he was the center of the problem. God, I just wanted him back. I wanted this over with, and I wanted to make sure that everything was going to be fine. Because right now? Things weren’t. Things were far from it. And it was scaring me.

((Open to Angelus, and later Cordy and Wes.))
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