Buffy Anne Summers (angelbuffy) wrote in not_fadeaway,
Buffy Anne Summers

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Close to the bottom.

I used to think when I was a little girl that things were so simple; that things could always work out if there was enough force behind it. But it was today that I was proved wrong. I didn't know what I was thinking here. I didn't know what I was thinking then. I realize that when I first came here, that things weren't going to be easy. They never were easy; Things were always going to be complicated regardless of the actions that one would take to prevent them, but in my head, I believed that things would work out.

Here. In the embodiment of evil, Wolfram and Hart.

The first day that Angel asked me to come help him, there was a spark that was sent through me. I'd been away from this fray for so long, that coming back into it, head on was something that wasn't going to be easy. I had looked at him with a reluctant face, but I thought about it. For two seconds, I thought about the possibilities that we could endure, the things that we could accomplish if there was one more strong force that was there. So I agreed. Not only because I believed the impossible as far as turning Wolfram and Hart around, or as far as running it into the ground, but for some reason, when I looked into Angel's eyes, I saw that light that never really went away in mine.

He didn't lie when he said that he still loved me. I knew that from the day that he walked away from me, all those years ago. But seeing that familiar kindness and love was like the hook line and sinker.

We had been through some hard times since I agreed to come back in the fray from Rome, the party life, and the laziness streak. We had successfully detained and eliminated some demons in the sewer tunnels, and we had gotten some answers out of some other things down the streets. Needless to say, we actually took a step up from the bottom. The objective from my eyes was to eliminate Wolfram and Hart. But I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about the other possible happenings to the fate of this place. Like, for instance, using it to our advantage; the side of good. That was until we lost. Well, the battle anyway. Faith and I were sent to a hell dimension. It seemed like all was lost. For a day or two, I actually believed it. But the war was still up in the air, the battle was over, and it was known that we lost. Angel's team was torn apart by one little glitch in the system. We came to know that the strong weren't strong enough for this machine, this ruthless, gigantic machine. I learned the hard way that an alliance can't be formed here. It has to be an army.

Like back in Sunnydale.

But through those lessons, and through all the hard times that had to do with this beast, Angel and I got closer. Call me selfish, but when we were together...fighting demons, killing things, or hell, just walking; it was like everything went away. Even the fact that we were losing this battle that would depict our fate in the future. He felt that way too. I could feel it from him. My senses weren't nearly as strong as his- but they knew. And that was one of the greatest feelings that I could say my body felt. We were close. Way too close. We had established our love for one another again, and it flourished. I hadn't felt so wonderful in such a long time. It was like a piece of me was missing from my soul, and when we were together, that piece came back to me, and lifted me up. It was stronger than ever before. But there were things that took their paths, and argument, words that weren't meant to be said, were. The weird part is, that it didn't even matter. We were so caught up in each other that those words, the world beyond Buffy and Angel was just a figment, something that could be dealt with later.

Our passion was something else. It took on a mind of its own, and it wasn't something that could be controlled. We let ourselves go, and even though it was the most beautiful thing that I'd experienced in my lifetime, it was the biggest mistake that we could have made. As predicted, Angel lost his soul, and that gleam went away like a tiny flame in the vast water. I had rendered myself helpless, taking shot after shot of those words that the other half of Angel was capable of saying. Having to face one of my biggest fears was just like another challenge that I had to face coming here...but this was made from something so beautiful. That was something that I would never in my lifetime be able to understand. The fact that something so beautiful would have a product so destructive. I was paralyzed, standing there, and letting everything penetrate me, stab me. I just watched, and took it all in.

Until Faith showed up, with Riley and Lindsey. She saw what we had done together, and she didn't understand. I knew that no one would be able to, because it was hard for me to even understand. I knew what we were thinking when we decided to make love. We had it all planned out; but that certainly didn't make it right. We all fought, and Lindsey let Angelus go. It caused damage to everyone. And Lindsey and Riley were drained. I couldn't kill Angel. I had no intentions to, and neither did Faith. So we got him under control, and tied him back up... we got Willow to give him back his soul.

Words can't even begin to describe what these feelings that that lie inside of me are doing. Tieing up in knots, screaming at me to just let go; it was a handful of confusion all over again. I had started out with the thoughts of where in the hell we were supposed to go from here? But that soon ceased with the comforting words of Willow. Angel and I were going to have to talk, and it probably was not going to be pretty. I had no intentions of leaving him, but I knew that things were going to get even more complicated than they were.

What Giles was going to say to us was weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks. He didn't want to be here in the first place, and it took pretty much every piece of persuasion to keep him here to help the fight, and to have him convinced that we were here for the side of good. That we had the best of intentions to drive this place into the ground and then some. After recent events, though, even I could see how that was less convincing. In the process of a few hours, we could have ruined our chances for good, and it probably would have been more probable if we handed the reins back to the senior partners on a silver platter, and forfeit our lives right on the spot.

I didn't want to be dishonest with Giles, but I didn't want to tell him either. Maybe things should just play out? Sooner or later, I knew that they were going to...I knew that the news was going to be broken to Giles, and that scared me more than a lot of things that I have faced. Basically, it felt like we kept taking tiny baby steps backward, the more we thought we were moving forward. That was just so depressing. But the helpful words from Willow once again, brought me out of the dark. What she had said was true.

That we had been in ruts like these before, and we can (and will) get out of them.

I wanted to back out slowly of this place fore a few hours, but I felt guilty. Angel shouldn't be the one to take the wrap for everything. It wasn't just him. In fact, it was more my fault. But things seemed to be getting handled at a slower pace. Like what we had just done was put on hiatus for discussion for a while. There were other forms of business to take care of. Now that, I didn't understand, but I wasn't objecting to it either. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, especially not to those that expected so much higher of me. Even myself.

I still had Angel's cellphone, and if he needed to get ahold of me, he could.

But I was long overdue for some time with Willow. Recooperation. It wasn't going to solve everything, but it could sugar coat, and that's what I felt I needed right now. A lot of it.

((Open To Willow. ))
  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

I could tell that Buffy had a lot on her mind, I didn't want to interrupt, but we had things to do, and snack food to eat.

"Buffy, do you want to tell Angel we are leaving? Or just go and hope he notices?"

I asked wondering what she wanted. I didn't know what she had on her mind, I knew what I was thinking about and most likely a lot of the same things were going through her mind, but I didn't want to ask.

"On our way to my apartment, you think we could stop for double fudge mint chip ice cream?"

I asked trying to lighten the mood finally.
I did want to tell Angel that I was leaving. I wanted to take him with us, but he had other obligations, and I wanted out of here, and fast.

"I'd love to tell Angel that I'm leaving for a few hours, but to be honest, I don't think we're going to find him in this vast place. I'm lost already and we've only been walking for ten minutes."

That wasn't meant to be funny, but I never actually realized how huge this place really was. I mean, I knew that it was overbearing, and large; sometimes it felt like there was a crumbling void around me at the same time, but now that we were looking for someone, and eventually searching for the door that led to Willow's car, it was like this place never ended.

I felt the cellphone in my pocket, and brought it out for Willow to see.

"Angel knows that I have it. I think it's about time we got out of here for a little while."

My eyes perked up when she mentioned my favorite ice cream. God, it had been so long since I had any of it. That and Pizza.

"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day. And this idea isn't destructive in one bit, except of course for the calories which can so be taken care of."

We found the door, and I felt like I was racing for it.

"I'm really interested in seeing your apartment. Then a spoon, then an empty pizza box. Wow, it occurred to me how long ago it was that I ate something, all day today I've been fighting, and well, you know."

Maybe I wouldn't have to work off those calories.
I couldn't help but laugh at her, she always was easy to distract with the mention of that ice cream.

"Alright, pizza and ice cream, not the greatest of combinations, but oddly, it sounds good."

I said with a laugh as I led her from the building and to my car. I had left it here earlier when Giles called Michael to come get us, which is a good thing. I like her couldn't wait to get out of here, I hated this place now, hated what it represented, that woudln't change, no matter who thought he was in charge.

"My car is out there"

I said pointing to the main exit doors. I have never seen Buffy so relieved.

"So stop and get pizza, or do we order in?"
"We should have it delivered. Go all out with the whole party thing. I want to stay in, watch movies and eat endless amounts of the worst food possibly digestible."

There were so many cars that I didn't even know which one was hers. it had been so long since I had hung out with her that I didn't even know what car she drove, if it was a company car, or if she had full ownership.

"I've missed you so much Willow. This past year, I thought about you a lot in Rome, how I wished that I could spend that time with you, the freedom sense. Because I never really got to back in Sunnydale. What better place to do that in Rome, right?"

I smiled. I really had thought about her in Rome, and I didn't think that it would be this soon that we would be able to talk in person again. It was such a relief. Now, if only we got Xander, things would be so great. Just like old times, but probably better minus all the weight we all had on our minds.

"I hope Angel understands my disappearance. I just want some time with you, and some time away from Wolfram and Hart."

I got in her car, and she turned it on.

"You know what else we need? Shopping spree."
I unlocked the car as she was talking and she seemed surprised that I owned this car, but she didn't say anything instead she went on about how she missed me. It is nice that she missed me, heck, I missed her, but I just worried this was a way to get me to choose a side, a side with her.

"Buffy, not to sound rude, but can I ask you something?"

I asked she looked curious as to why I had ignored the rest of her conversation.

"Is this some way to get me to choose a side?"

Ok why did I just ask that. I mean yes she was my friend and no matter what happened would be always, but I just don't want her to try when she is going to fail.
I stood there dumbstruck. I had wondered how long this question had lingered in her mind, because she obviously wasn't listening to the bulk of my conversation, or, rather, monologue.

I sighed as I watched her sit in the drivers seat, looking at me. What really bothered me was that this question would have never popped up if this had happened three years ago. I guess we really all had been pulled apart by the seams, and our trust and comfort of eachother had just drastically changed.

My head felt the nice back of her car, and I was tired. I was worn out. I couldn't really blame her for the lack of trust, or her uncertainity. In actuality, I was unsure of myself and my actions these days.

"No..Will, I.."

I stopped. I cut my sentance short, because if I hadn't of stopped myself there, then I probably would have gotten us into another subject that we had opposing thoughts on.

"Alright, tonight, can we just pretend that there are only two colors? Black and white. that there is no grey, and everything is fine?"

I just wanted time alone, with my best friend, like we hadn't seen each other in ages.

And that was true.
"I guess"

I said softly. I knew on the surface Buffy wouldn't ever ask me to choose sides, but there are times when people unconciously do something expecting certain results. Usually it works that until they get those results, the ones they had been working for and not knowing it that they finally realize, Hey, maybe I was doing this, that, or the other.

"I just want everyone to know I refuse to take sides, I love you too much, I care about Angel and Spike and I care about Giles and Xander, no matter how stubborn all of you are. I am not saying that I am not stubborn, I know I am, I just..."

I had lost my train of thought and it was obvious by the look on my face.

"What was I saying?"

I asked.

"You know what, I think I made my point, so lets just get to the apartment and eat more junk food then possible."
I was listening carefully to what she had to say, and now more than ever, I just wanted to hug her. I wanted to let her know that my intentions tonight weren't going to be to get her on what everyone was calling 'our' side but it was to get her back to where we were...

And that meant more to me than a lot of things in this life.

But she stopeed, and then so did I. I didn't want to keep this conversation going. I wanted to get to wherever we were going, and I wanted to surround myself in things that are bad for the body, yet soothing to the soul and mind. Not so much of the alcohol if I can help it, but more with the sugar high and the laughing thing.

That was way overdue. Yes, Angel and I had laughed and been together, and had some great moments in these past days, but there was something that I had lacked...and that was a Willows touch. Willow and Xander. I was making a promise to myself, that no matter what happened, I wasn't going to let it get in the way of our friendship.

Because that would destroy me.

"Okay. Drive away, Will."

I watched the Wolfram and Hard building get fainter, and I never felt more.....relieved for the moment. I wanted to talk to Angel, but he was busy, and talking to him, that would bring back memories that I had suppressed to the back of my head.

I knew that dealing with this stuff later was going to probably build up, but I wanted this right now, and I was going to have a good night with my still best friend held on by a thread.

"you wouldn't happen to have any alcohol on you?"
"Ahh yes, alcohol, something that has done wonders for us in the past. I believe I recall one of us going 1 million BC and another getting drunk to deal with her pain and ran all her friends off and did a spell that backfired..."

I said with a small smile.

"But I wouldn't say no if you wanted to add that to the shopping list."

I couldn't help it. I wanted to do anything that included us spending time together. I don't know where things first went wrong, where we started to grow apart. I mean back in highschool we were inseperable, even when everything seemed to go wrong.

"Buffy, where did things go wrong?"

I finally asked. I didn't mean to ruin the moment, but I hoped she would know.

"I mean, in highschool we were hardly apart, now...we are hardly together."
"Okay, so we've messed up with the alcohol once in a while, and I can admit it's been more of a poison rather than a great discovery... but I felt like after the few days that we had, we deserved some letting loose. Just not in the mystical, or in the...caveman way... or even in the, trading kitten way. Those were really bad memories.

And in truth, I don't think there have ever been any good memories with that stuff. But what the hell; everything else today had gone wrong, so why not invite something already wrong to create a double standard?

"We're adding it to the shopping list."

I was just getting the smile thing back on track, when she asked me when things went wrong. Okay, so it wasn't me that noticed it, and it wasn't just me that was bothered by the fact that we were now so far apart. We reached the point where we were leery on what to tell each other in fear of the other.

"I don't know, Willow. I think it was the fact that we were in different parts of the world. We were all so busy, and we didn't have time for each other. It was the stupidest thing that we all could have done... because it served as a catalyst to where we are now. And I don't want to be where we are now. I want my best friends back, I want to tell you everything, and I want to be inseparable again."

Now, I didn't know if it was even possible. We were so far away from each other, and sometimes, no matter how hard we were reaching to the other, we wouldn't connect. But I'll be damned if I wasn't going to try.

"We have to chance the amount of time we're not spending together. I need my daily fix of Willow."
"As long as you know that it can lead to badness...."

I said with a smile. I don't know why I was so worried about it, oh wait, yes I do know why I was worried...the last time I had alcohol was with Spike and we drank too much, we got wasted, we slept together and I ended up hurt..again.

I couldn't seem to get my mind off of that. The reason behind that could be that I have been intimate with exactly 3...4 people counting spike, and 3 of those four had been more than just a one night stand, Spike was simply a one night stand and it nearly ruined my relationship with Buffy, Xander, and Giles...not to mention made me say things that I would have never had the nerve to say before.

I am not saying that I regret what I said, I am not even saying that I shouldn't have said it, but I could have said it in a different less bitchy way.

I had been lost in thought over this long enough, when I heard Buffy say she needed her Willow time, I knew that everything would be ok, in the long run that is.

"Then Willow time you will have."

I said pulling up to the store..junk food here we come.
"Fully aware."

She pulled in the store, and I got out and walked swiftly toward it like a pile of children that just got done with soccer practice. I couldn't think of a time where I needed more junk food than now.

What was good about this was that our budget was pretty much unlimited due to the nice pieces of plastic from Wolfram and Hart. I knew that we were trying to get away from the whole Wolfram and Hart thing altogether, but this money was going for a good cause, and I didn't have any to spare as it was.

I walked straight to the frozen section and thank god, they had my favorite ice cream. What a regale.

For some reason, this store was crowded immensely. Of course, this was Los Angeles and I'd been in somewhat of a seclusion lately, but these people were making me uncomfortable...but I just covered my bad vibes with icecream and whatever Willow was getting.
I could tell that Buffy wanted out of here as fast as possible. I guess the crowd was doing her in.

"Why don't we split up. You get the snacks, I will get the alcohol?"

I asked and she nodded. That was proof thats he wanted out of here fast. I left her and took a cart of my own heading to the refrigerator side. I knew we couldn't get hard liquor here, but even beer and wine coolers sounded really good right now.

Once I had all the alcohol we could drink I headed to the register, finding Buffy ready to go. I felt bad for making her wait, so I hurried through the line paying.

"Sorry, I panicked"

I said pointing to all the alcohol.
My mouth almost dropped to the floor at the sight of all the alcohol that Willow bought. Not only was that enough to get me and her drunk ten times over, but it was enough to get everyone in the overcrowded supermarket as well. A slight smile crossed over my face when I looked at the amount. I looked down at my two hands filled with 2 bags each of the worst junk food you could even imagine.

I felt smothered in there for some reason, but when we took a step out into the vast Los Angeles, I felt so much better. I guess being in Rome and deciding when I wanted to be around a lot of people was what had spoiled me. But then again, it could just be the fact that I had been around people for the better part of the day, and forgive me if I wanted to get around the feeling of betrayal and being sneaky. Because that was what was in that law firm. Angel knew it, and I knew it... but what pissed me off the most was there was absolutely nothing that we could do about it.

"Well, I think we'd be able to get drunk off of that, Will." I gave her an encouraging smile, and started walking.

"I'll bet the cashier was thinking of all the parties we're gonna have tonight with that. At least I know that if I don't like something, I can try something new."

I laughed at the thought. I wasn't a fan of alcohol. Of course, even being in Rome I didn't drink that much, and the stuff that I did, I could barely pronounce.

"Do you even know what you bought? Because all this stuff looks new to me."
"I don't think I have the faintest clue what I got, but it all looks good."

I said with a smile. I couldn't help it, I did panic, I just started grabbing things, if it looked pretty and good, then I got it.

"Ok so now that I have more alcohol than one human could ever need lets get to my house and we can veg out to indian movies"

I didn't have any, but I knew she would get a kick out of that. I remember sitting in my room and watching them wondering what the heck they were singing and why there was a water buffalo involved, it didn't make sense, but it definatly was entertaining.


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago