Buffy Anne Summers (angelbuffy) wrote in not_fadeaway,
Buffy Anne Summers

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Close to the bottom.

I used to think when I was a little girl that things were so simple; that things could always work out if there was enough force behind it. But it was today that I was proved wrong. I didn't know what I was thinking here. I didn't know what I was thinking then. I realize that when I first came here, that things weren't going to be easy. They never were easy; Things were always going to be complicated regardless of the actions that one would take to prevent them, but in my head, I believed that things would work out.

Here. In the embodiment of evil, Wolfram and Hart.

The first day that Angel asked me to come help him, there was a spark that was sent through me. I'd been away from this fray for so long, that coming back into it, head on was something that wasn't going to be easy. I had looked at him with a reluctant face, but I thought about it. For two seconds, I thought about the possibilities that we could endure, the things that we could accomplish if there was one more strong force that was there. So I agreed. Not only because I believed the impossible as far as turning Wolfram and Hart around, or as far as running it into the ground, but for some reason, when I looked into Angel's eyes, I saw that light that never really went away in mine.

He didn't lie when he said that he still loved me. I knew that from the day that he walked away from me, all those years ago. But seeing that familiar kindness and love was like the hook line and sinker.

We had been through some hard times since I agreed to come back in the fray from Rome, the party life, and the laziness streak. We had successfully detained and eliminated some demons in the sewer tunnels, and we had gotten some answers out of some other things down the streets. Needless to say, we actually took a step up from the bottom. The objective from my eyes was to eliminate Wolfram and Hart. But I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about the other possible happenings to the fate of this place. Like, for instance, using it to our advantage; the side of good. That was until we lost. Well, the battle anyway. Faith and I were sent to a hell dimension. It seemed like all was lost. For a day or two, I actually believed it. But the war was still up in the air, the battle was over, and it was known that we lost. Angel's team was torn apart by one little glitch in the system. We came to know that the strong weren't strong enough for this machine, this ruthless, gigantic machine. I learned the hard way that an alliance can't be formed here. It has to be an army.

Like back in Sunnydale.

But through those lessons, and through all the hard times that had to do with this beast, Angel and I got closer. Call me selfish, but when we were together...fighting demons, killing things, or hell, just walking; it was like everything went away. Even the fact that we were losing this battle that would depict our fate in the future. He felt that way too. I could feel it from him. My senses weren't nearly as strong as his- but they knew. And that was one of the greatest feelings that I could say my body felt. We were close. Way too close. We had established our love for one another again, and it flourished. I hadn't felt so wonderful in such a long time. It was like a piece of me was missing from my soul, and when we were together, that piece came back to me, and lifted me up. It was stronger than ever before. But there were things that took their paths, and argument, words that weren't meant to be said, were. The weird part is, that it didn't even matter. We were so caught up in each other that those words, the world beyond Buffy and Angel was just a figment, something that could be dealt with later.

Our passion was something else. It took on a mind of its own, and it wasn't something that could be controlled. We let ourselves go, and even though it was the most beautiful thing that I'd experienced in my lifetime, it was the biggest mistake that we could have made. As predicted, Angel lost his soul, and that gleam went away like a tiny flame in the vast water. I had rendered myself helpless, taking shot after shot of those words that the other half of Angel was capable of saying. Having to face one of my biggest fears was just like another challenge that I had to face coming here...but this was made from something so beautiful. That was something that I would never in my lifetime be able to understand. The fact that something so beautiful would have a product so destructive. I was paralyzed, standing there, and letting everything penetrate me, stab me. I just watched, and took it all in.

Until Faith showed up, with Riley and Lindsey. She saw what we had done together, and she didn't understand. I knew that no one would be able to, because it was hard for me to even understand. I knew what we were thinking when we decided to make love. We had it all planned out; but that certainly didn't make it right. We all fought, and Lindsey let Angelus go. It caused damage to everyone. And Lindsey and Riley were drained. I couldn't kill Angel. I had no intentions to, and neither did Faith. So we got him under control, and tied him back up... we got Willow to give him back his soul.

Words can't even begin to describe what these feelings that that lie inside of me are doing. Tieing up in knots, screaming at me to just let go; it was a handful of confusion all over again. I had started out with the thoughts of where in the hell we were supposed to go from here? But that soon ceased with the comforting words of Willow. Angel and I were going to have to talk, and it probably was not going to be pretty. I had no intentions of leaving him, but I knew that things were going to get even more complicated than they were.

What Giles was going to say to us was weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks. He didn't want to be here in the first place, and it took pretty much every piece of persuasion to keep him here to help the fight, and to have him convinced that we were here for the side of good. That we had the best of intentions to drive this place into the ground and then some. After recent events, though, even I could see how that was less convincing. In the process of a few hours, we could have ruined our chances for good, and it probably would have been more probable if we handed the reins back to the senior partners on a silver platter, and forfeit our lives right on the spot.

I didn't want to be dishonest with Giles, but I didn't want to tell him either. Maybe things should just play out? Sooner or later, I knew that they were going to...I knew that the news was going to be broken to Giles, and that scared me more than a lot of things that I have faced. Basically, it felt like we kept taking tiny baby steps backward, the more we thought we were moving forward. That was just so depressing. But the helpful words from Willow once again, brought me out of the dark. What she had said was true.

That we had been in ruts like these before, and we can (and will) get out of them.

I wanted to back out slowly of this place fore a few hours, but I felt guilty. Angel shouldn't be the one to take the wrap for everything. It wasn't just him. In fact, it was more my fault. But things seemed to be getting handled at a slower pace. Like what we had just done was put on hiatus for discussion for a while. There were other forms of business to take care of. Now that, I didn't understand, but I wasn't objecting to it either. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, especially not to those that expected so much higher of me. Even myself.

I still had Angel's cellphone, and if he needed to get ahold of me, he could.

But I was long overdue for some time with Willow. Recooperation. It wasn't going to solve everything, but it could sugar coat, and that's what I felt I needed right now. A lot of it.

((Open To Willow. ))
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