Buffy Anne Summers (angelbuffy) wrote in not_fadeaway,
Buffy Anne Summers

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Looking for some peace of mind...

This was something that I needed. Last night I had done a lot of things, things that I weren’t particularly proud of, but also things that I wasn’t about to take back. I guess getting out of Wolfram and Hart was something that was needed from Willow, Xander, and me at the same time. It’s something else when it’s like you jump right back into the fray again. I couldn’t imagine how Angel could do it every day. Maybe it was just because for so long I had been in Rome with Dawn and Andrew living the life that I had dreamed about for the ladder part of my time being a slayer.

I can’t sat that I didn’t feel particularly bad about leaving Angel. I really did, I mean, I just left. It would have been different if I had let him know about it. But, I didn’t, and I probably stirred up some worries that really didn’t need to be there. Everything had happened so quickly, and I freaked. Sometimes I wonder about myself, maybe I either need more hits to the head, or maybe a little less.

I thought, that after a whole night of junk food and comfort, I needed to go back and face my fate. The anger from half the population in Wolfram and Hart? Well, the half that were good. The other half were probably jumping for joy at the sight of Angelus, or the potential of him running instead of being run by a soul. Of course, to make things more complicated, I didn’t know which ones were which. I didn’t know who to trust in there except for the few that had been with Angel from the beginning. The rest? I was trying to use my best judgments….and by recent events, some would conclude that they aren’t exactly on track as they should be.

I knew how Willow and Xander felt about this. Especially Xander. I knew that he didn’t say anything, and I knew why too. A few years ago, he would have called me out on it, and he would have been right to. But now, it was just harder. I realized this when we all hung out at Willows last night. We all grew, and I wish I could have said it was for the better. Despite our promises to one another, we really did grow apart. We in fact grew so far apart, that we could barely look each other straight in the eyes, and see almost a mere reflection of ourselves anymore. I knew that Xander wasn’t happy about what he heard. He didn’t say anything though, because I think he was insecure about what his place in my life was anymore. Or maybe it was something that he was hiding. I’ll be damned if I knew. I wasn’t going to press it, because I felt the same way. One thing was for sure, and that was as soon as things cooled down, and calmed down, I was going to rekindle everything with Will and Xander, because there was no way that I could do this without them, and especially without their 100 percent.

The ride down to Wolfram and Hart was so quiet, I could hear my own heartbeat. Xander had left to talk to his girlfriend, who I had yet to meet, so it was just Willow and I on our way back to the firm. No one really wanted to go back to the law firm, that was a given. It was just so hard to get used to all the grey areas that were involved. Who to kill, who not to kill. The why’s and the when’s. If anyone understood about the grey areas, it was me. Even I thought that the amount of grey was a little bit overpowering. I know that Angel felt the same way, and I knew he was frustrated. Especially since we both knew that there was nothing that we could do about it. At least not now, especially not now. Too many things had happened already.

Willow parked and we walked through the huge doors that symbolized a trap, filled with busy people, and with every person, followed a stare. A stare that made my spine tingle. I didn’t know what the feeling was. Anger? Embarrassment? Probably a little bit of both. It made me wonder how many people actually did know about Angel and I. It would have had a bigger effect on me if I wasn’t so worried about inevitably talking with Giles, and about confrontations that led to questions, and talks from 2 party sides.

We hadn’t been in the building for 2 minutes, and already I wanted to walk back out. Yeah, this place was going to take some getting used to, even if the man that I loved was the CEO. I was more of a field person anyway. Offices just didn’t appeal to me anyway. Maybe there was something that I could do out in the field. Maybe they needed a few demons killed, or something. Maybe I could…No, I had to face this. Because this was OUR doing. This wasn’t going to be pinned on just Angel. After all, we all know the slogan.

Speaking of grey. Angel and I. That was rather grey. Greyer than I would have liked. I was firm on my belief. I wasn’t sorry. But it wasn’t right. So I had to face Giles, and everyone else that was in this building, as well as myself. There was no way in hell this was possibly going to be a quick ‘done and over with’ conversation.

I took a deep breath, and couldn’t feel the air escape my lungs. I looked at Willow, then at all the stares that were still among us. It was like a heavy blanket on a hot day.

“I don’t know about you, but everyone in this lobby are completely wigging me out.”

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I walked in with her but I didn't really want to be there. "Buffy, I don't think we should be here, I don't think it is entirly smart for us to come in to some place like this." I said as I tried to convince her to leave again.

"Why don't we go back to the apartment."
I gave Willow a hard look. I knew that she didn't like it here, and I should have known that she didn't want to be here. I wasn't so sure myself. All i knew was that I wanted, well needed to see Angel, and I also needed to get everything that went down to be straightened out. Last night was a night that I had needed for a long time, but it was also a night that took away the pain that was ultimately inevitable. The pain that I knew that Iwould have to face, when I jumped into the action with Angel head first.

Granted, I wasn't aware that it would get this out of hand, but I knew of the potential, and I still did it. So this was the point where I listened to my heart rather than my head. And look where it go me--where it got us.

We had stopped in the middle of the hallway, and it seemed that everyone else was moving at 10 speeds faster than we were, and still managing to make me extremely uncomfortable.

"Willow, go ahead back to the apartment. I know that you don't like it here. But I need to be here, and there are many reasons for that. I'm here to help Angel, and I'm no help when I'm lounging around. Besides, I need to get this whole thing with angle last night laid out on all sodes and fronts."

Even though I was still insecure about the whole thing, I understood that she wanted to go. She didn't make any commitments here, I did. and I was going to stick with them without bringing my friends down. Especially not Willow.
"If you think for a second I am leaving you here alone you...well you would be wrong." I couldn't think of anything better than that to say, but she was wrong if she thought I was leaving.

"And I should check on Giles anyway" I added. "You could come with me to check on him..." Ok I was trying to make things better...sue me. I was about to say something else when my phone rang. It was Xander...

"Hey Xand" I said cheerfully into the phone, that was until he told me what was going on. I stepped away from Buffy and talked to him for a minute and told him I would find out anything I could. It was when I returned to Buffy who looked like she was worried.

"Sorry, Xander and his girl problems." Ok so I had to try to hide it, I had to do what I could to keep the secret for Giles.
For a second I though that maybe something was wrong when Willow walked away from me to talk to Xander. She acted at first like it was a surprise for him to be calling her, so in retaliation, I felt the same way. Well, until she came back smiling telling me that everything was alright.

Xander had called her before I had a chance to answer her question about Giles. I didn't want to talk to him right now. I really really didn't want to talk to him right now. It was weird. Here I was, the slayer, or one of the,, and I had fear of talking to Giles. I had a lot of fear from talking to Giles. I knew why too. Because I had no argument to back myself up. When Giles found out, sooner or later, I would just have to take what he said to me, because I didn't have anything valid to back up my actions. I wasn't looking forward to it...

Because I had already learned my lesson....but it didn't mean that I was going to keep following it. She was still staring at me, wondering what we were going to do. Damned if I knew. A part of me wanted to jump right back into work, but the other part of me wanted to talk to Angel. Now. Because I wanted to get it over with. I wanted to be where we were before we made that decision.

"Willow, I really have to find Angel."