Buffy Anne Summers (angelbuffy) wrote in not_fadeaway,
Buffy Anne Summers

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Looking for some peace of mind...

This was something that I needed. Last night I had done a lot of things, things that I weren’t particularly proud of, but also things that I wasn’t about to take back. I guess getting out of Wolfram and Hart was something that was needed from Willow, Xander, and me at the same time. It’s something else when it’s like you jump right back into the fray again. I couldn’t imagine how Angel could do it every day. Maybe it was just because for so long I had been in Rome with Dawn and Andrew living the life that I had dreamed about for the ladder part of my time being a slayer.

I can’t sat that I didn’t feel particularly bad about leaving Angel. I really did, I mean, I just left. It would have been different if I had let him know about it. But, I didn’t, and I probably stirred up some worries that really didn’t need to be there. Everything had happened so quickly, and I freaked. Sometimes I wonder about myself, maybe I either need more hits to the head, or maybe a little less.

I thought, that after a whole night of junk food and comfort, I needed to go back and face my fate. The anger from half the population in Wolfram and Hart? Well, the half that were good. The other half were probably jumping for joy at the sight of Angelus, or the potential of him running instead of being run by a soul. Of course, to make things more complicated, I didn’t know which ones were which. I didn’t know who to trust in there except for the few that had been with Angel from the beginning. The rest? I was trying to use my best judgments….and by recent events, some would conclude that they aren’t exactly on track as they should be.

I knew how Willow and Xander felt about this. Especially Xander. I knew that he didn’t say anything, and I knew why too. A few years ago, he would have called me out on it, and he would have been right to. But now, it was just harder. I realized this when we all hung out at Willows last night. We all grew, and I wish I could have said it was for the better. Despite our promises to one another, we really did grow apart. We in fact grew so far apart, that we could barely look each other straight in the eyes, and see almost a mere reflection of ourselves anymore. I knew that Xander wasn’t happy about what he heard. He didn’t say anything though, because I think he was insecure about what his place in my life was anymore. Or maybe it was something that he was hiding. I’ll be damned if I knew. I wasn’t going to press it, because I felt the same way. One thing was for sure, and that was as soon as things cooled down, and calmed down, I was going to rekindle everything with Will and Xander, because there was no way that I could do this without them, and especially without their 100 percent.

The ride down to Wolfram and Hart was so quiet, I could hear my own heartbeat. Xander had left to talk to his girlfriend, who I had yet to meet, so it was just Willow and I on our way back to the firm. No one really wanted to go back to the law firm, that was a given. It was just so hard to get used to all the grey areas that were involved. Who to kill, who not to kill. The why’s and the when’s. If anyone understood about the grey areas, it was me. Even I thought that the amount of grey was a little bit overpowering. I know that Angel felt the same way, and I knew he was frustrated. Especially since we both knew that there was nothing that we could do about it. At least not now, especially not now. Too many things had happened already.

Willow parked and we walked through the huge doors that symbolized a trap, filled with busy people, and with every person, followed a stare. A stare that made my spine tingle. I didn’t know what the feeling was. Anger? Embarrassment? Probably a little bit of both. It made me wonder how many people actually did know about Angel and I. It would have had a bigger effect on me if I wasn’t so worried about inevitably talking with Giles, and about confrontations that led to questions, and talks from 2 party sides.

We hadn’t been in the building for 2 minutes, and already I wanted to walk back out. Yeah, this place was going to take some getting used to, even if the man that I loved was the CEO. I was more of a field person anyway. Offices just didn’t appeal to me anyway. Maybe there was something that I could do out in the field. Maybe they needed a few demons killed, or something. Maybe I could…No, I had to face this. Because this was OUR doing. This wasn’t going to be pinned on just Angel. After all, we all know the slogan.

Speaking of grey. Angel and I. That was rather grey. Greyer than I would have liked. I was firm on my belief. I wasn’t sorry. But it wasn’t right. So I had to face Giles, and everyone else that was in this building, as well as myself. There was no way in hell this was possibly going to be a quick ‘done and over with’ conversation.

I took a deep breath, and couldn’t feel the air escape my lungs. I looked at Willow, then at all the stares that were still among us. It was like a heavy blanket on a hot day.

“I don’t know about you, but everyone in this lobby are completely wigging me out.”

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